Them’s the Rules

Food Junta only talks about the world of restaurants every now and again, but I think that a recent article deserves some discussion. The New York Times‘s “You’re the Boss” blog just ran a two-part feature called “100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do,” and it left me torn.

On the one hand, there are a bunch of these that had me saying, “Right on!” On the other hand, there are a few that are downright paternalistic. Even when I agree with the author, he can be quite condescending. As the list goes on, he starts to seem like a real prima donna.

Waiting tables is hard work. I am always courteous to waitstaff, and I am a good tipper. The only things that waitpeople can do to really goad me are being rude to me and disappearing completely. But I have preferences when it comes to service, and I find these guidelines fascinating and – for the most part – good.

After the jump, some of my most and least favorite, with my comments. I am eager to hear yours.

5. Tables should be level without anyone asking. Fix it before guests are seated.

Not really one for the waiters, but yes. I am an easily distracted man, and this is an incredibly distracting and irritating problem.

6. Do not lead the witness with, “Bottled water or just tap?” Both are fine. Remain neutral.

Or how about the preferable and increasingly prevalent, “Is tap water OK?” People who want Pellegrino can order it.

7. Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness.

Agreed in principle, but this does start to sound like Upstairs Downstairs. These are servers not servants. I don’t like overly chipper, jokey waitpeople either, but these folks work tough jobs; I think this kind of interaction really helps some waiters and waitresses stay sane. So long as it’s under control – and not at restaurant where I’m spending $50+ a head – I’m ok with it.

9. Do not recite the specials too fast or robotically or dramatically. It is not a soliloquy. This is not an audition.

Better yet, don’t recite them at all. Two words: Laser printer. If you have more than one or two specials, put them on paper. I know it’s not eco-friendly, but you can fit several onto one piece of paper. I HATE the reciting of the specials.

10. Do not inject your personal favorites when explaining the specials.

I’ll agree, but do let me know if something is the chef’s specialty or something that he does with an ingredient he can’t always get. Some specials are more special than others.

15. Never say “I don’t know” to any question without following with, “I’ll find out.”

And don’t guess either. I have heard the phrase “I think it’s kind of like…” with respect to an ingredient many times, and the comparison is often wrong.

17. Do not take an empty plate from one guest while others are still eating the same course. Wait, wait, wait.

Yes. This makes fast eaters feel gluttonous and slow eaters feel rushed.

18. Know before approaching a table who has ordered what. Do not ask, “Who’s having the shrimp?”

In an ideal world, sure, but is this really a big inconvenience? More frustrating to me is feeling put on the spot by a waitperson who has not cleared your table or brought a subsequent course too soon, comes out overloaded with hot dishes and then begins waving them at you and shouting. Again, I know this work is hard, but guests shouldn’t be put on the spot like that.

27. For red wine, ask if the guests want to pour their own or prefer the waiter to pour.

Not sure why he specifies red wine here – maybe because some restaurants keep white cold in the kitchen for you – but this is a great idea. A waiter pouring my wine  feels infantalizing to me, and I would love the opportunity to opt out. I feel the same way about the Dance of the Giant Pepper Shaker, as it happens, but restaurants are forced into this ridiculous spectacle as small pepper grinders on tables walk away in a heartbeat.

29. Do not pop a champagne cork. Remove it quietly, gracefully. The less noise the better.

See what I mean about him sounding like a primadonna? I’ve never really had a problem with this, although one time Claire and I did have a waiter at a relatively nice BYOB restaurant ask – as he was taking the wire off a champagne bottle, – “Do I need to be careful opening this?” One of the very few times in my life I’ve been truly speechless. “No, throw caution to the wind!” is what I should have said…

31. Never remove a plate full of food without asking what went wrong. Obviously, something went wrong.

Could not disagree more. People’s eating habits and choices are their own. Ask if food is OK, but don’t do so as you’re clearing away someone’s plate. Even worse is “Wow!” or “Good job!” if I’ve cleaned my plate. It is unbelievably insulting.

40. Never say, “Good choice,” implying that other choices are bad.

Yes. It also makes me feel like I’m in kindergarten.

41. Saying, “No problem” is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. “My pleasure” or “You’re welcome” will do.

A little too Miss Manners here, I think, but I agree with his basic point. Some waitstaff do also say “No problem!” or “Sure thing!” in a really condescending way. You’ll know what I mean if you’ve ever experienced it.

42. Do not compliment a guest’s attire or hairdo or makeup. You are insulting someone else.

A little overboard. Compliments are always nice if they are tasteful and appropriate. I’m not insulted if someone compliments my companion’s shirt. So long as it’s “That’s a very nice shirt!” and not “That necklace makes your bosoms look fantastic!” we should be OK.

43. Never mention what your favorite dessert is. It’s irrelevant.

Sometimes a restaurant will have a dessert that is special, even if it isn’t a special. Something along the lines of “the pumpkin pie is really outstanding” seems perfectly reasonable to me.

And here’s a tip for diners that I picked up from somewhere I can’t remember: Never ask a waiter what is good. Ask them what is their favorite is. Good waiters can’t answer the question what’s good, because they have to say everything is good, even if it isn’t. Asking for their preference is a better way to do.

I use this with bartenders when selecting a beer or specialty cocktail as well, and I have actually had some thank me for doing so. It drives bartenders crazy when people ask “What’s your best beer?” Bars stock different beers because they are different, otherwise they would just stock one – the best. Unless you want to know something specific – Is it dark? Is it hoppy? Is it like a beer that I might have had before? – you’re better off asking for a favorite.

48. Do not ask what someone is eating or drinking when they ask for more; remember or consult the order.

Again, is this really such a big inconvenience for the guest?

54. If there is a prix fixe, let guests know about it. Do not force anyone to ask for the “special” menu.

This goes for any restaurants running a promotion. Forcing customers to ask for their free glass of wine or the like is obnoxious and demeaning. A simple “Do you know about our promotion this evening?” will go a long way.

55. Do not serve an amuse-bouche without detailing the ingredients. Allergies are a serious matter; peanut oil can kill. (This would also be a good time to ask if anyone has any allergies.)

Disagree. I hate having my dish dissected for me if I haven’t asked. I have great sympathy for individuals with food allergies, but I don’t think that placing the burden on them to ask about the contents of a dish is unreasonable. An exception here is any unusual or unexpected ingredients or non-traditional preparations. If your cornbread has shrimp in it, you might want to make that known.

62. Do not fill the water glass every two minutes, or after each sip. You’ll make people nervous.
62(a). Do not let a glass sit empty for too long.

Yes and good lord, yes. I would love to see more restaurants move toward having pitchers or caraffes on the tables, but in the meantime err on the side of refilling frequently. Water should also be brought to everyone at the table as soon as is reasonable and definitely before taking any orders, and please take note when a guest or table is going through a lot of water and visit them more often.

And, for the love of all that is holy, a plea to all restaurants everywhere serving weekend brunch, especially those with younger clienteles: It should not come as a shock to you that some of your patrons may have been enjoying themselves a little too hard the night before and may be suffering from a bit of a “morning head.” Bring them water, lots and quickly. Keep it coming. This is neither hard nor expensive, and I am not in the least joking when I tell you that there are restaurants I will never return to for this reason alone.

64. Specials, spoken and printed, should always have prices.

Again, specials should be printed in this day and age, but they absolutely should have prices either way. I find this common practice extremely obnoxious.

65. Always remove used silverware and replace it with new.

Yes, please. I know this must be some kind of cost-saving measure and that I’ll be told it keeps prices lower, but I still don’t like it. The worst is when a waiter picks up your plate, holds it in front of you, and asks you to take your silverware off it. Now I think I’m sounding like a prima donna, but this one gets me.

My other prima donna issue is bread plates. If there is bread, there need to be bread plates. It’s that simple.

67. Never stack the plates on the table. They make a racket. Shhhhhh.

Champagne corks and now plates? Sounds a little hyper-sensitive to noise doesn’t he?

I am incredibly impressed by the seamless precision at high end restaurants. Plates actaully appear and disappear without my noticing a thing. This is a wonderful feature of expensive service, and I don’t expect it everywhere. Just don’t hit me with a plate, and I’m fine.

68. Do not reach across one guest to serve another.

What? Again, in an ideal world, but this often just isn’t possible. An “excuse me” is always nice, though.

74. Let the guests know the restaurant is out of something before the guests read the menu and order the missing dish.

Yes, and if by chance you don’t catch it in time, don’t let them try to order something else before letting them know what else is out. This can be infuriating.

75. Do not ask if someone is finished when others are still eating that course.
76. Do not ask if a guest is finished the very second the guest is finished. Let guests digest, savor, reflect.

Yes, see #17. Also, I greatly prefer “May I take that?” to “Are you finished?” I think the latter sounds noodgey. I don’t really like, however, “May I take that for you?” It somehow implies that you might want to get up and take it to the kitchen yourself or that clearing plates is not standard practice for waiters. This is getting silly and semantic now, but then again, I am a bit silly and semantic.

77. Do not disappear.

‘Nuff said.

85. Never bring a check until someone asks for it. Then give it to the person who asked for it.

Disagree. I don’t mind the old “Can I get anything else for you all tonight?” ritual in the least. If you’re done ordering, it’s nice to have the check to pay whenever you feel like it.

88. Do not ask if a guest needs change. Just bring the change.

Here, here. If I’m all set, I’ll tell you so. This question makes me feel put on the spot and makes me prone to be less generous that I would have otherwise.

98. Do not wear too much makeup or jewelry. You know you have too much jewelry when it jingles and/or draws comments.

Oh, come on. Really? If it doesn’t have bells on it and isn’t in my food, what’s the big deal?